A friend posted on her Facebook today she wished she could have the luxury of having a man help with finance and getting kids to and fro but really was tired of relationships and “romance” in general.
I knew exactly how she felt. I knew what she meant.
When I first fathomed the idea of divorce and leaving, I was scared. All off my life I felt if I didn’t have a man or someone loved me I was nothing. If I had a man to love me, it wouldn’t matter that I didn’t love myself.
I found myself in literally 26 years of back to back relationships with very little if any room in between.
I wanted someone to love me. All of me. Someone to take care of me. To adore me.
What I found was destructive relationship after another where I was either completely broken, abused, cheated on, and the care giver. Each time one was over, I swore I would never do it again and take a break to be single and find myself. Even after my divorce. I immediately got into a comfortable relationship with my first love that ended up being my worst love. Online dating, dating someone at work, and all the craziness that went with it. Then something clicked.
I sat on my couch and looked around. It was MINE! If I didn’t want to do the dishes or I wanted to take every inch of my closet, I COULD. If I wanted to take my pants off as soon as I got in the house and put on PJS immediately, I COULD. I COULD take care of my children alone. I was able to give them everything they need. I was ABLE to give myself EVERYTHING I need.
I made my choices. I didn’t have to answer or explain anything to anyone. I could do or not do anything I wanted to. It felt amazing and freeing.
It’s been only 6 months since I ended my last relationship and in that 6 months I have started to find myself. I have learned to love myself more than I ever have before. I have spent time with my children having dates rather than dating others. I have been HAPPY!
It’s a start. I am by no means healed completely, but I am finding my worth. I am falling in love with myself and I am loving every.single.second of it.