These two are the apple of my eye. They are both perfect. For me. Each has their own quirks, humors, personalities, and faults and I wouldn’t change a thing about either one of them. The love they have for each other is unmatched and the love they have for me has been life altering. They had me at hello!
We had family photos done a couple weeks ago. This was my first time. MY first time. I get the kids’ photos yearly if not semi annually but I have NEVER taken a photo session with me in it. I did take a couple photos during one of their sessions with my then boyfriend for cards but those went in the trash with that unhealthy relationship.
This time was different. As I refocus on the blog and refocus on my transformation I am finding peace with WHERE I AM. Not just where I want to be, but where I am NOW. It is very freeing. I am the second heaviest I have ever been and even after gaining almost all of my previous loss back, I am happier than I have ever been. I am confident, I am secure.
So I took photos. A lot of them. Some of them with the kids, some of them by myself.
When I got the photos back I smiled. I cried. I didn’t cry because I looked so fat (and that thought did cross my mind but I quickly pushed it to the back of my mind), I cried because I did it, I was proud of myself, and we looked damn cute.
Our little family. Our new life. Our new normal.
My family.
and I am in love …
Here is the thing ..
All my life I have aimed to please everyone else. Whether it was family, friends, boys, or work I never thought about myself, what I wanted, or what I deserved.
As crazy as this may sound I don’t exactly know what it means to love myself, make myself a priority, and take care of me. I know I desire it and want it more than anything but I am not sure how to go about getting it, accepting it, and BELIEVING it.
Yesterday was kind of a big deal. I received my first Dia & Co box. This is a styling company for plus size women where you share your likes and sizes and they send you multiple outfits and accessories to try. If you like them, you buy them. If you don’t, or need new sizes, you return and exchange. It’s really an amazing idea and so much fun!
When I opened my box the cutest package and note card was front and center. I quickly unveiled the goodies and immediately saw a gorgeous rose gold necklace, pair of Celebrity Pink jeans, kimono, tank, and the cutest ever dress!
Most of what was sent was adorable but I couldn’t live without the dress and the necklace. I put the dress on and felt so cute. It was then I said “screw it!” “I am going to be proud of myself and my journey and show the world where I am and how cute I can be!” After all, if I am going to document this transformation and journey, I need to share it all. If I am going to learn to love myself, it means all of my self … even if I don’t see it or agree.
The craziest thing happened when I made that statement to myself. I uploaded the above pic to facebook and it is by far the most popular and most commented post I have had in years if not ever already and it hans’t been a full 24 hours! It has given me a new pep to my step and when I woke up this morning and was looking in closet I knew I had to continue the cycle ….
Too cute Toucans, ripped capris and snap chat filters for the win!
I win! I am cute!
Its official, I am in my fifth week of being sick. I wish I could be more specific on what it is but the diagnosis has moved from pneumonia to asthma and everything in between. I am not on high doses of steroids and a z pack and starting to finally feel a bit human. A bit.
I have never been more sick in my life. I know I talked a bit about it in a previous post but I am fed up! I have to get my life back. My health. The reason I lost weight previously was for myself and my family and although circumstances lent me a tough hand I had NO BUSINESS letting myself go again. I am mad! Mad at myself and sick and tired of it. There are things I want to do. Races I want to race. Adventures I want to take. I can’t like this. I am miserable.
I am the only one who can make it happen and I am happy to report I am doing well. I have lost 10.9 pounds in the last two weeks and feeling strong and confident. I am focusing on my health. Mental and physical. Making myself a priority. Making my kids a priority.
Get ready, its going to be one hell of a ride!
Life has been crazy and rather than sit and think about updating the blog, I figured it was time to get moving.
You may or may not know but I lost my content in my previous blog (lesson learned) so I am starting anew. It’s funny how life happens and the snowball effect starts. I think bullets might be a great way to get up to speed on the last year of my life.
So, in a nutshell, it’s been crazy! Now is the time to gain my life back. To get healthy and live the best possible life for myself and my children. To get off of these 11 pills a day and lose this weight once and for all. To love myself. Each and every minute. To support and nurture my kids. To stretch myself and try new things. TO RUN!
Here I sit on vacation. At the bar, Macbook sitting next to the best Raspberry Collins ever after spending another day alone. Just writing that sounds sad, but its so much the opposite.
Slowly over the last few months up to a year I have been searching for myself. I have made promises that I would step out of my comfort zones, connect with those that I haven’t in years, learn to do things alone (and enjoy it), to GO and just BE!
I have long suffered fear of judgement, fear of stepping out and being ridiculed, laughed at, not fitting in. The classic fat girl story really but with even greater anxiety. Anxiety that would leave me just wanting to stay in my comfort world. Don’t get me wrong, while there have been times of fighting depression and not wanting to do much, I never locked myself in my house for days on end. I would hang out with my family. My sister and I usually were together mostly. Hanging out with the kids or working were a reason to not have to do anything outside my norm. I knew I was missing out on this great big world, but I never would explored it alone. If my sister or daughter couldn’t be with me (or even husband at the time), it didn’t happen. I never felt left out or lonely. The invitations were plenty. I just never knew better.
Until now ..
After making a conscious effort to LIVE and to BE present even if alone I can tell you I am happier in my own skin then I have ever been.
It’s time.
IT’S MY TIME!
